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First Person

When Heather’s Husband Lost His Job

Posted February 4, 2009

What would it look like if we could take a 360 degree snapshot of a layoff — truly examining the impact of each person’s job loss on his or her life, family, and community? What if we worried as much about spouses as statistics? Forced HR professionals to read their “scripts” to the kids, so that parents wouldn’t need to explain what a layoff means when one hits too close to home?

Heather Pemberton Levy is a publishing consultant and mother in Connecticut, who writes the Mommy Truths blog about “the hard-learned lessons of raising young kids.” Her husband, David Levy, has written for EconoWhiner about his recent job loss. Today, she shares her story with us as well.

By Heather Pemberton Levy

My husband lost his job on November 3, 2008. That was the day before the U.S. Presidential election and I was in France on business. The South of France. Cannes, to be exact. I work part-time for an IT research and consulting firm, and they flew me over there for a big event. I had been looking forward to the trip, and the election, for months. I didn’t plan on sobbing my way through the week after David lost his job.

I never would have pegged myself as reacting with such drama and desolation. But I was totally surprised. Totally. Sure, David had felt some concern in early October when his small marketing agency realized year end results wouldn’t be what they had once expected. But he’d had the conversations with his boss, hypothesized with colleagues about who might get cut, and he kept coming back to a conviction that he was safe. I believed him because he believed himself.

When I called home that first night in France to say goodnight to the kids, my mother-in-law (who had flown in from Florida to watch them while I was out of town) broke the news.

I was speechless. And felt so unprepared. We hadn’t planned in any way for such an event. Our mortgage was high. Our bills were high. We lived comfortably in a beautiful colonial in Connecticut, but we both worked for it. And we needed both our incomes.

Between the time difference, my work schedule, and a lurking mother-in-law, David and I found little space for the kind of quality conversation we needed. I asked him to call the housecleaner and tell her not to come Thursday or until further notice. He could tell her why. I hated to pass down the loss of income but that was the reality for all of us.

That week in France, it rained every day, the election came off great, the food was fabulous, and I was miserable. How would we get by? Would David find another job? I couldn’t get past my fears because I couldn’t talk to David and hash it all out, coming to some emotional and financial stability to get us by.

When I returned home that Friday, we were in a fog. The kids pounced and we circled the obvious, hoping to get back into our groove before tackling the tough stuff. Then David’s sister called.

“Listen, I know you just returned from your trip but I’m wondering if I can come down with Aliya tomorrow and spend the night. We’ll watch the kids and you two can go out.”

“Yes! Thank you,” was all I could manage in reply. Debra and her daughter were more than welcome. And a little time together was just what David and I needed.

When we finally arrived at a restaurant (our last hoorah) and sat down, everything seemed instantly better. As it turned out, David was doing just fine. He had immediately posted his resume online and was working his network and social media sites to develop job leads.

I breathed a sigh of relief.

“We can make it three months and then we’ll have to dip into savings,” I put forward.

Neither of us liked this prospect but all of a sudden, our focus had narrowed to a small core of priorities. After my solitary distress overseas, I had come into a deep survival mode and my goals were simple:

1. Spare the children worry or distress over our circumstance.

2. Don’t let this beat us — not as a family, not as a couple.

My thinking was that as long as my family was safe and healthy, we’d be alright. I am not so attached to my house, my car (a minivan) or any material aspect of our lifestyle that I fear its loss more than the security of our foursome. Period.

This simple reality allowed me to keep my darkest fears in check. What was the worst that could happen? Foreclosure? Bankruptcy? These were a long way off and probably unlikely. But I knew that all the other little fears leading up to them (cleaning the house, no extra cash for babysitters and nights out, no vacations, perhaps even Spam) were what could cause levels of anxiety and stress that would take a toll on us.

I also found a freedom in my bare-bones mindset.

I was accustomed to the constant pressure to upgrade everything. I had fallen into the mode of constantly assessing our décor, clothes, and lifestyle for what could be improved. Perusing the endless stream of incoming catalogs was a leisurely way to chock up on what else we needed. And the endless needs and wants put pressure on our budget.

In truth, I felt poorer when we thought we were okay financially, because I always felt we needed more. When David lost his job and we cut all spending, I looked at everything we did have. Looking at what we might have to cut, I realized we had so much. More than enough. Believing that we could survive if it all was taken away, I discovered our bounty.

So I said to David and myself, “I’ll worry in March.” We spoke with our financial advisor and he moved some savings into easily accessible CDs. If David didn’t find a job by March, we’d start dipping in.

Until then, I’d be damned if I wasn’t going to enjoy all this free time with my husband. We were used to the typical workweek schedule where we were both so exhausted by early evenings, after putting two preschoolers to bed, that we barely had time or energy for a conversation or, well, you know.

It took about three weeks for us to work out the kinks in his being home and tangling up my typical daily schedule with the kids. Then we found our balance, and our groove.

We had fun! We enjoyed a long lunch out or two, sang Christmas and Hanukkah songs for Charlie’s preschool class, and shopped for holiday presents in the middle of the day. David left most mornings to work at the library, and he scheduled lunches and coffees with people from his broad work and social network. But he was available if I needed him home to watch Sophie while I picked up Charlie, and this gave me a much needed break.

And by Christmas, David had a new job. A promotion! He would start January 5th. We popped a bottle of champagne to celebrate. We couldn’t believe his good fortune given the dire economy and job losses surrounding us. But David worked hard to find the job and his skills and personality were a good match for the small, growing agency. All of a sudden, I wanted him home longer to play and help out. We hadn’t hit March yet, so we were still in the honeymoon stage we’d created out of his job loss.

As it stands, David has started his new job and he loves it. I miss him already. And I’m trying to keep the priorities I discovered last November.

Through all this, I learned that while I may not have control over whether either of us loses our job in these tough times, I have plenty of control over how we adapt to what life throws us. My family’s spirit and togetherness aren’t dependent on how much money we have. And those are riches I don’t want to lose.

The Whiner wants to know: What do you think about Heather’s perspective on her husband’s job loss? Do spouses and children get the attention that they need and deserve during moments like these?

Reader Comments

  1. HF

    Heather, my congratulations to YOU for keeping yourself focused on what was most important during this difficult time. I’m sorry to say that I lost my job a few months ago and my husband has been driving me completely crazy. I understand that he’s worried but it isn’t helpful. Very unhelpful in fact.

  2. Laura

    Thanks, Heather, for sharing your story–very interesting to get a spouse’s reaction.

    I think you have found the silver lining in this messy economy: getting priorities straight, treasuring the family and keeping everyone safe and together.

    I’m glad that things have wroked out well for you, there are so many tales of despair out there, and this is a hopeful story with a great outcome.

  3. BethS

    I appreciate hearing these two sides of a layoff story, but I am experiencing intensely ambivalent reactions. Heather and David used their down time to relax and shop for holiday presents. That’s nice. And I’m truly delighted that David was able to land a (better!) job in so short a time.

    However, what continues to stick in my mind is the reiteration that “we lived comfortably in a beautiful colonial in Connecticut, but we both worked for it” and “but David worked hard to find the job.” I’d like to remind Heather and David and all Whiner readers that people who live paycheck-to-paycheck, get laid off and have to move in with relatives, also work hard–sometimes even harder than Heather and David. There’s an implication here I can’t swallow: that people who enjoy so many material comforts have earned them, as if good fortune and occasional privilege have had nothing to do with it. What we have, we have for a complex variety of reasons. We can lose what we have in a minute–that applies to all of us.

  4. Margaret

    Beth S, aren’t you being a little harsh here? This is one person’s story, someone whose situation might be different than yours, different than mine — but it’s just one person’s story, not some grand, sweeping generalization or platform.
    I didn’t see Heather judging or even implying that other people don’t work as hard as she and David do. Seems to me that idea is something you brought to the party.

  5. Hope

    Heather…very interesting to read the other side of the story. I know from personal experience that job loss is hard on the spouse, and I’ve gone through the same calculations in my head. After the shock wears off, you do go into problem solving mode and realize what is really important and what you can live without. Glad it all worked out for you!

  6. BethS

    Yup, Margaret, could be something I inferred. It’s just that I work in a milieu where lots of people are defensive about poor people and tend to remind one another how hard they worked to get what they have. It’s a habit of mind.

  7. Nano

    I loved your story. But please keep in mind that the layoffs, and the companies going out of business, has just begun. We are in the beginning of a very serious situation in our economy. Learn from your scare, and plan accordingly. The end is not yet in sight.

  8. Elaine Shepard

    I really liked what she said about the pressure felt from constantly needing to upgrade things that certainly are not “needs” and may not even be valid “wants”. Throwing those catalogs we all get in abudance in the mail into the trash withoue even opening them is a good habit!

  9. Lainie

    I agree with BethS – the attitude here is, “thank God we really didn’t have to adjust our special, privileged life very much.”
    I realize this post is supposed to be uplifting, but it just seems condescending and tone-deaf. She sailed through her little “economic crisis” — which is laughable compared to many — but she hasn’t earned the right to preach about her new-found family values.

  10. Piper

    I like Heather’s approach because she’s describing a learning process. While it’s clear that she’s coming at this from an upper-middle class background, I do believe that she and her husband worked hard for what they had. That doesn’t diminish other people’s workloads or the sacrifices that they’re making — and I read Heather’s story as her recognition that she and her husband have been lucky at most steps along the way.

    This is a hard time for all of us. I want things to be better for all of us too.

  11. Mletta

    This story is so atypical of what the many many are going through now and indeed, it is a story of those who are not even aware how rare it is, for anyone, to get a new job so quickly.

    I agree with others who commented. There is a feeling that some folks think they deserve so much more because they work so hard. Lots of folks work hard, for little money, perks or recognition.

    They, too, “deserve” a good life.

    This is part of the problem in this country. Those that “have” even if threatened with temporary loss, like this couple, don’t really feel any incentive to help others do better.

    Sorry. Not meaning to judge these folks but this tale just seems to show again that those who have, often know little or care less about those that do not.

    Getting a job in a little over a month? That’s a miracle. There are TONS of qualified people out of jobs for years.

    One last bit. There was absolutely no qualms about cutting out the cleaning lady, without notice or regard for HER income.

    That, I think, shows the attitude about “not our problem.”

    Interestingly, I have several friends who have had to cut back due to financial losses and lost jobs. ALL of them went out of their way to either ensure that anyone such as a cleaning lady or other service provider they had for years, continue to work for them, albeit some cut backs. OR gave several weeks warning, helped them to find another client and/or gave several weeks’ pay, to tide these folks through.

    THAT’s what caring about others, as well as yourself, in a downturn is about. And these people clearly could afford to show some thought for this cleaning woman.

    And if they did, great. It just wasn’t mentioned here. That may have been what triggered some of the comments.

  12. Mel

    Whiner, thanks for bringing us these different voices from the world of layoffs. Heather’s adds another aspect to the way that I think about all of this. It’s true – it’s sometimes easy to forget about what spouses are thinking and feeling during moments like this. Heather, as they say, thanks for sharing.

  13. amy

    Gee, I get a totally different take-away, Beth and Lainie. I’m hearing that Heather and her husband have not recognized how vulnerable they are and how quickly they need to adjust. I’d recommend Elizabeth Warren’s _The Two-Income Trap_; some of that won’t be news, but Heather and her husband might get some good ideas from it.

    They should also keep in mind that it’s basically skyhooks keeping the stock market at 8000 right now; there’s no reason why it couldn’t drop another 30-40% just when Heather’s family needs the money. So if she’s got all those expenses (don’t forget the costs of health ins. and private disablity ins. when unemployed), hasn’t got a mountain of cash, and can’t easily sell her expensive home, it may be time to think about what it’d take to get by for several months, and move what’s necessary into cash.

  14. amy

    Oh, and yes, even “safe” employers are settling in for a long bad time, so it’d be a good idea to reduce overhead as far as possible now, while choices about how you do it are available. I just got a call today from a distraught state-university search-committee head saying the salary line for the job had been yanked. There may be a workaround involving other money, so I may yet get the job, but they’re expecting a very grim financial picture for the next few years.

  15. Aaron Crowe

    Congrats on finding employment fast. I’ve been looking for seven months after being laid off as a newspaper editor, and have yet to find full-time work. I keep busy with my 4-year-old daughter and have so many part-time jobs I’ve lost count. Every waking hour is spent looking for full-time work or caring for my daughter. I’ve done so many things to try to improve my job skills, such as learning SEO, taking a PowerPoint class, starting a networking team of other unemployed people, volunteer work in the election, and writing for various freelance projects. I have a blog about the whole experience at http://www.AaronCrowe.net

  16. Heather

    Thanks to everyone who read my story and to those who have taken the time to comment. To those who misunderstand or judge our perspective: Yes, David and I feel very lucky for everything we have and extremely lucky that he found a job so quickly. We realize it is a rarity in this economic environment. And we can’t help but fear that we could both lose our jobs anytime. In this recession, anything can happen, any day.

    I’m surprised by the comments that assume we feel any sense of entitlement. My mention that we work hard for what we have meant that we would need to continue working to live in our house, not that we worked harder than others. As for the cleaning lady, well, after cleaning the house myself, I hired a lovely woman shortly before David’s layoff (great timing). She was amply employed elsewhere or perhaps my consideration for her loss of income would have altered our approach.

    Hopefully, most readers understand the shade of hope I discovered and attempted to share with others experiencing the fear and uncertainty after a layoff. And that focusing your grasp on what you know is true and lasting – family love and bonds – can provide some certainty in a fearful time.

  17. Stamper

    Boy, David and Heather share some real-life experiences with us, and aren’t some of us just ready to POUNCE on them for doing so. Would it be better if he didn’t find a job? Would they be more worthy of our concern then?

    And is the implication here that in an economy that is cratering all around us that only some of us deserve empathy? “We should feel bad for only the really REALLY unfortunate folks, and we will decide who those people are.”

    The irony here…slicing and dicing who are the “real” victims in the economy exactly what Phil Gramm did! To him, only some people were truly in need; the rest of you are “whiners.”

    Congratulations David and Heather. Thanks for sharing.

  18. Jenny

    Heather, thanks for telling us your story. I am amazed at your ability to lock on to what matters most, and I think that you may have learned some things about yourself that you didn’t suspect.

    And, like Stamper and others, I am so blown away by the prejudice and vitriol directed at you. It’s not about you, as I’m sure you know.

  19. paprikapink

    Aw c’mon, that’s not vitriol. That’s just an additional perspective besides “Gosh that was great.” Not that GTWG is a bad perspective, but the point of the whole exercise (per “the Whiner wants to know,” above) is to hear what this story is like *for everyone.* Not just the folks who love it, but also the folks who say, “But what about…” or “I woulda this or thatted instead.”

  20. AWALLACEHAYWARD

    Heather Pemberton Levy is full of GRACE and her husband and children are blessed because of this. Thanks Heather for sharing this reminder for all of us. Many happy congrats to David Levy…who I am sure knows that behind nearly every successful man is a strong and amazing woman. In this unprescedented time when so many of us are looking for work it is important to have family values and manage to the network of positive relationships that we form over time to help us along. This blog is a perfect reminder of that.